Reflecting on 2014, Family-building, and Possibilities

With the new year on the horizon, I've been in a little bit of a panic. I am no stranger to anxiety and panic attacks, and while this hasn't risen anywhere near to the level of panic attack (with work over the years, those appear to have mostly been dealt with), the anxiety is nevertheless present. I just cannot believe 2014 is over! Where did it go? I've been feeling like I must not have done anything with it because it barely seems to have existed! 2013 was by far one of the worst years of my life - I lost a baby and my dad, among others. I remember being at the end of 2013 and thanking God for both the blessings 2013 had brought (my sweet, silly kitty, for one), and that it was OVER. But this new year's eve, I feel so desperate for MORE of 2014! 

Then someone reminded me of some of the great pictures I'd posted through the year, and I decided to go back through them and make a collage for myself of a handful of amazing moments and memories from the year. I am SO glad I did!

Of course this year wasn't perfect. I lost a grandfather. And amazing experiences don't just fall into your lap (98% of the time). You have to work for them, persist, and be ready for the unexpected. That's exactly what I did. At the beginning of the year, I had several goals: Become a life coach by taking and finishing the UC Davis program (done), incorporate my business (done), become a public speaker (not yet), finish a first draft of my first novel (not yet), put our house on the market so we can by our dream home (done), pick an adoption agency (done), finish our adoption agency application (not yet), plan and take a 3-4 week trip overseas (done), visit my husband's side of the family (done), work on a few close friendships (ongoing), and lose 15 more pounds or 1 more clothing size (LOL).

You can see that some goals were met while others weren't. To be fair, though, it was a bit ambitious. Probably unrealistic. But OMG, what an amazing year it led to! I made incredible friends in my coaching class, and got to see things out in the world that so overwhelmed me, I was overcome with tears of joy while in their presence. No wonder I want MORE of 2014!

On the one hand, my list, as a set of goals, was unrealistic and overwhelming. People ask me why I haven't made more progress on the adoption paperwork - why I seem to be putting it off. Some of it might be that I'm procrastinating from a fear of failure, but honestly, it's because when it comes to building my family, well, I have more control over the outcome of other things. Admittedly, we need a better support community for us to move forward through the adoption process, so that's something I'll be looking for in 2015.

But if, instead of viewing my overwhelming, unrealistic list as one of goals, we view it as a list of possibilities, then WOWZERS! Anything can happen!

People are different, and while some do well with goals, some of us, including myself, thrive under a looser construct. We need space for creativity and bounce back faster from the unexpected when we aren't constricted by what we see as boundaries and rules that our Gremlins tell us we should be following and make us feel bad if we don't.

My resolution for 2015 is this: Instead of goals, I will have possibilities. Because that's really what they are anyway.

Are you more motivated by goals or possibilities? How did you do with them last year? How do you think this applies to building your family or coping with infertility?

PCOS

Photo of Pearls from Wikimedia Commons

September was PCOS awareness month, and suddenly it's over and I realize I didn't do an official post for it on this blog!  I did address my PCOS in my last post, so if you want to know more about it, you can read it here. I also addressed it further in a guest post for the Resolve New England blog. I'm rather proud of that post, and would love for you to go read it at http://www.resolvenewengland.org/2012/09/pcos-from-not-me-to-thats-me/.

Something that a lot of people don't think about is that PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, covers a huge range of experiences and symptoms. It's even in the name. The term "syndrome" references the fact that it is a spectrum disorder. In some women, PCOS causes ultra-long or non-existent menstrual cycles, but not all. For some it's a cause of infertility, but not for all.  For some, it causes miscarriages, but again, not all. Some women, but not all, have related weight difficulties, and some struggle with facial hair and/or acne. But it's a little different for almost everyone.

The most important piece of information to take from this though, is that PCOS is very common. It's considered the most common cause of infertility, and it is estimated that between 5 and 10 percent of women of reproductive age are affected by it. You can learn more about it here.

The Decision to do DEIVF



Fractal Ovary by Gilberto Santa Rosa

So where are we now as far as trying to add to our family? What’s the next step?

Basically, we have decided our next step will be to use donor eggs, also known as DEIVF (Donor Egg In Vitro Fertilization). It’s been tough getting here. Not just because of all we’ve been through. Making the actual decision has been hard. And since we can change our mind at any time realistically until our donor has started meds, maintaining this decision is also challenging.

First, it took some time for the Wacky Wicketeer to come around to the idea. When I brought it up at first he was just negative about it. Then he told me why – because he couldn’t imagine his DNA combining with anyone’s other than mine. It was this really weird, romantic, unexpected reaction, so I was like, “awww!” and “WTF?” at the same time! Later, we talked about it some more and I told him I didn’t think he realized what he was taking away from me by deciding we wouldn’t use donor eggs. As opposed to donor embryo, he was taking away my opportunity to bring more of HIM into the world. This man I love so much…I just can’t imagine the world without him in it, and part of my safeguarding that, since I know it will happen someday, is in trying to duplicate him. LOL. I know, that sounds strange, but there it is.

As compared to adoption, which he was ready to go ahead with, DEIVF would allow me to be pregnant, give birth, and possibly breastfeed. I would still have the opportunity to be the child’s birth mother, if not its genetic mother. I might be ready for adoption someday, but I’m not right now. To be ready for it, I would need to grieve these things.

He was still reluctant. Then one day he came home from work and said he was ready to proceed using donor eggs. I asked him what changed his mind. He told me a guy at work told him he needed to “just get over it!” Hah! After all that I had said, it took some guy from work who had been through an IVF or two to have his child, telling my Wacky Wicketeer to get over it.

I have heard it recommended that once you have a failed cycle at a clinic, you should change clinics. I think if it was a complete failure, i.e., no frozen embryos remaining, this is likely excellent advice. Each clinic I’ve been to has made little mistakes here or there that impact my confidence in them as a major part of my Fertility Team. So, we decided to change clinics. That same work friend of his, and an online friend of mine, each recommended a particular clinic in the Bay Area. So, we are switching to that one.

Because of the change, and because our initial infectious disease testing has expired, we have a lot to do before we’d actually cycle. I found myself procrastinating in getting the records and such. I finally realized that I hadn’t fully come to terms with the loss of my genetic connection to this theoretical child. I was, and still am, in the midst of grieving this aspect. My therapist says it will continue through to the child’s birth, but that the important part is that I get through some initial stages of it first. What I realized was that I was still in some denial about this being what we need to do.

I have recently lost about 20-25 pounds. For the first time during this infertility roller coaster, I have a healthy BMI. As I’ve mentioned before, the primary cause of my infertility and miscarriages is poor egg quality caused by PCOS. Hence the egg donor route. However, the weight loss, and the fact that I’m now running regularly, can help regulate my insulin, and possibly result in my ovaries being less PCOS-ey. (How’s that for a made-up word?) In summary, my improved weight could mean better fertility. Of course, we still have that pesky little slow sperm problem, so it’s still unlikely we’d get pregnant on our own.

Over the course of this journey, I’ve become a fairly religious person. So here’s what goes through my head: What if God meant for me to get healthy again before having kids? What if he delayed my dreams coming true because I was headed down the same path to diabetes and kidney failure that killed my Grandma at age 63? So just in case, how about giving my body a few cycles of trying out the old-fashioned way? Now that my eggs might be better? Maybe after all, God does intend us to use an egg donor, a donated embryo, or to adopt a born child. Maybe the child or children that we are destined to parent are a different genetic combination. But we can’t know that. I just need to give my body this opportunity, to accept the reality that we need an egg donor.

So, we’re taking our time getting the paperwork and initial testing done for the new clinic. Then we have to pick out a donor. By then, we’ll have gone through a few cycles of trying to get pregnant on our own again. What’s meant to be, will be!

If you have any questions, please ask! Nothing is off limits here. Just please be kind. J

Filling My Life with Other People’s Children

Yes, it has been a loooong time since I’ve posted! I spent most of the year not thinking about kids of my own. Or at least, trying to not think about them. I had a few ideas for posts, but each time felt like I couldn’t focus on this blog at that moment.

One of the things that filled my life this year is other people’s children. This is an emotionally charged topic for us infertiles. Most of us experience so much longing for children of our own, envy is unavoidable. It’s not that we’re not happy for those that have kids. It is completely possible to be happy for someone and jealous of what they have at the same time. It’s part of the grief we have for that loss of what we expected. The loss of a dream of children, whether one or many, no matter how temporary or permanent.

I was there a couple of years ago. I’ve been on this TTP journey for five years now. Between years one and three-and-a-half was the hardest. I went through my miscarriages, my first failed IVF, and I couldn’t bear pregnant bellies, babies, or hardly kids of any age. When I was younger I found other people’s kids mostly irritating anyway. It seemed like so many of them were undisciplined. Now I have a better understanding of child development, and while there are still some brats that I will not hesitate to yell at or lecture, most kids are mostly good, and some even highly entertaining and/or helpful.

I have my Priest to thank for helping me move past my jealousy about other people’s kids. He knew about our infertility and miscarriages, and at the three-year mark, he suggested I help teach the Pre-K Sunday school class. It was hard at first. Seeing that adorable bunch of three and four year olds most Sundays was very emotional for me. But it was also exhausting and fulfilling. The following year, I took over as head Pre-K teacher, and I’m doing it again this school year. It has been wonderful watching them grow up, and even brings a tear to my eye as they move on to their Kindergarten class. We take a summer break from May through September, and I am so excited to start back up in October, and meet my new batch of three year olds!

I also have my nephew to thank, via my only sister. My sister got pregnant in between my two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I was so excited for her, and at the same time jealous. Even now, I still struggle with jealousy during others’ pregnancies. My Monchichi (my own personal nickname for my nephew) was born just past my third year mark. From day one, I have felt a connection with him that is indescribable. He reminds me of my sister as a baby, and it sort of feels like watching my best friend grow up all over again! (I’m over four years older than my sister.) I miss him so much when I’m not with him, and much of my traveling this year has been to visit him. I can’t wait until he’s old enough to come visit Aunt Jamie! He’s almost two, and we have conversations where he talks nonsense and I pretend to understand. I also give him raspberries, hang him upside down, and play silly games with him. We laugh so much together! I love him to pieces.

Finally, I have my Godkids to thank, via their mom, my friend Rebecca. Technically, we only sponsored the boy, but I don’t generally feel the need to distinguish them on that level. If that little girl ever needed me, I’d be there for her as much as for our Godson. The boy is 10 and the girl is 8 and a half. They’ve been in our lives for almost 2 years now. This past year I’ve had the opportunity to have them visit on an almost weekly basis. We do some schoolwork, character building, some sports, games, art projects, watch some cartoons, eat dinner and they sleepover. I often read to them at bedtime. They bring such innocence and light into my life! On weeks when I don’t get to spend time with them, life just isn’t quite as good.

I have other friends and family with kids who I would love to know better, too. Unfortunately, many of our friends dropped off the map once they had kids. Some people seem to think that since we don’t have kids, we don’t want to be around them. Admittedly, that may have been true once upon a time, when we were actively grieving. But it hasn’t been for awhile now. Sadly, we have lost friends over these years dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. But, it has made more room in our lives for our younger friends!

For those of you dealing with infertility, how do you feel about other people’s kids? Has your experience changed over the years? Do you think you’ll try to have more of other people’s kids in your life?

Shaking It Out

My favorite current song is Florence + The Machine's "Shake It Out". After four and a half years of trying to have a baby, failed IUIs, IVFs, and miscarriages, with diagnoses of both male and female factor infertility, I feel like I need to "Shake It Out".

After our last failed embryo transfer in November, with no frozen embryos left, and at almost 36 years old, the odds becoming increasingly stacked against us having a our own genetic child, spending $20,000 a pop on each additional IVF attempt feels like a massive waste of money. Unless something else changes to improve our odds, I don't see us doing more IVF attempts using my own eggs. Neither does the Wacky Wicketeer. To be honest, I don't really want to put my body through that again for these odds. I have no idea how some women go through it seven times. Two has done me in. I can feel my organs, different pieces of my body, rebelling against the process; Screaming at me to stop.

Right now we're not sure what family-building route we will take. Donor egg? Donor embryo? Adoption? There's still no goalie in place, but with our odds, we know better than to get our hopes up that a) we'll get pregnant, plus b) we'll stay pregnant. Miracles do happen, but in the meantime we are researching our options, and taking some time to "shake the devil off our back", as Florence might put it.

Take a minute to enjoy the video and read the lyrics. I think we can all use an occasional "Shake It Out"!



Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah


Florence And The Machine Shake It Out lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/florence-and-the-machine-shake-it-out-lyrics.html

Friday Freakout: Bad Clinic Behavior

I don’t understand why IVF clinics aren’t more sensitive to what their patients are going through. I don’t understand why they aren’t more careful to ensure they don’t stress us out more than we already are, and why they don’t make the effort to provide us with more information and greater transparency, so that we can have some sense of trust and control in a situation where we are vulnerable and powerless.

Photo by takomabibelot

The Wacky Wicketeer and I have been patients at three clinics in Northern California. Here are some of the stressful mistakes we have encountered:
·        Failed to diagnose me properly
·        Failed to inform us of miscarriage risks to IUI due to our diagnosis
·        Miscalculated dates on IUI protocol calendar
·        Made us wait over an hour in the waiting room, making our appointment over an hour late (multiple occasions, and multiple clinics)
·        Miscalculated prescription quantity
·        Mishandled post-miscarriage fetal tissue
·        Improperly tested post-miscarriage fetal tissue
·        Lied about limitations of genetic testing of post-miscarriage fetal tissue
·        Failed to return phone calls (multiple occasions, and multiple clinics)
·        Failed to respond to emails (multiple occasions, and multiple clinics)
·        Talked to me like I was an idiot for asking about the safety of progesterone suppositories during pregnancy, after I had already miscarried once while on them
·        Delayed submitting my prescriptions to the specialty mail-order pharmacy until the last minute (I only received them 18 hours before I had to use them because I spent two days on the phone yelling and pleading with people)
·        Failed to timely submit an insurance claim
·        Minimized & failed to warn me about potential recovery time after egg retrieval
·        Delayed my cycle start date by a week for a non-medical reason after we had already rescheduled work, work travel, and numerous other activities
·        Tried to delay my cycle start date by a week for a non-medical reason a SECOND TIME, after we had already re-rescheduled everything around the first change
·        Delayed giving me dates for an injection class until a week before, such that I couldn’t go because I already had bought plane tickets, conference passes, and made reservations for an out-of-town conference
·        Failed to give me a pre-emptive pain med prescription for the most painful experience of my life
·        Failed to provide thorough information on costs and insurance coverage for IVF
·        Failed to provide an information packet of any sort on how that clinic does IVF
·        Lack of transparency as to staffing changes that may be occurring during a cycle

I have received apologies--from a newly-hired nurse for rescheduling, and from a doctor for my painful experience. I still see that nurse and doctor. Nothing else on this list has been corrected or apologized for. For a service that we gamble tens of thousands of dollars on, and that requires us to substantially rearrange our lives for a painful, mere attempt, at having children, the very beneficiaries of our struggle, the fertility clinics, should be more conscientious of how their mistakes and behavior affect us.

The larger, immediate problem when these sorts of mistakes occur is that it strikes at the heart of an in-progress IVF cycle (or other treatment). It makes us doubt the very people that are supposed to be important members of our team. For me, the single thing that most influences my anxiety level during an IVF cycle is my faith and trust in my fertility team. That includes my clinic staff, nurses, embryologists, doctors, phlebotomists, pharmacists and geneticists, as well as my husband. While other people can be supportive and helpful during an IVF cycle, if they aren’t, I can block them out while in-cycle. I can’t block out this group. I need them, and I need them to be reliable and trustworthy.

I know we’re not the only ones, so what clinic mistakes and issues have added to your infertility stress?

Friday Freakout: IVF Meds

I’m calling this post a “Friday Freakout” as a tribute to the fact that my greatest psychological challenge is anxiety. It rots my gut on a regular basis.

So guess what? We’re there. Where? IVF number 2. I started my morning injections of Lupron on Thursday, and start stimming next Thursday night. My protocol is 10iu of Lupron daily until next Thursday, then drop it to 5iu, and add 225iu daily of Follistim. My last birth control pill is tomorrow, so CD 1 should be about next Tuesday. I’m also taking Metformin, prenatal vitamins, DHA, CoQ10, and extra calcium and vitamin D, but these are all oral pills. Only the Follistim and Lupron are injections.

On August 26^th I’ll go in for a monitoring ultrasound, and my RE will decide whether to schedule me to trigger, or have me continue on Lupron and Follistim longer and return for another ultrasound before triggering. Our first IVF, we had a low percentage of the total eggs retrieved that had triggered properly. My understanding of the trigger is that it tells the eggs it’s time to go from 46 to 23 chromosomes, so they can be fertilized. My RE thinks it didn’t work on a lot of them because they had grown too fast. In other words, I was “over-stimmed”.

Even though we had a single, genetically competent, girl embryo that made it to transfer, since she didn’t implant and we didn’t have any others make it to blastocyst stage for freezing, that cycle was a total bust. The only thing it did was give us very expensive clinical data showing we end up with a lot of chromosomally abnormal sperm and eggs, thus conceiving chromosomally abnormal embryos. That is, when they are able to actually conceive.

This time, my dosage of Follistim has been decreased, and an additional stim dropped entirely, with the hope that this will allow more of my eggs to mature a little slower, and properly trigger. This is what we are now hoping and praying for virtually every day.

I’ve also decided that I’m going to learn how to give myself the injections this cycle. That does not mean I will actually be doing them all myself. Nurse Stepmom is again generously giving me my injections, but I’m going to have her teach me how. I’ll do a couple under her tutelage, on the off chance I get stuck having to do it myself. But until that happens, I’m having her do it! I haven’t had pain or a bruise from any of these injections yet, and I firmly believe I owe that to her expertise and skill! This process is stressful enough without having to stab myself every day.

And no, the Wacky Wicketeer is not allowed near my shots. You see, my big, strong husband is afraid of needles. Despite this fact, he grudgingly said to me one day, “I guess I could try giving you a shot.” I replied with a firm, “no way!” I love him for wanting to help, but what I don’t need is a husband passed out on the floor and me still standing there, having to stab myself.

Finally, I promised my tweeps (friends on Twitter, for those who aren’t) that I would share another use for the insulated bags Dove gave us at BlogHer ‘11. Here it is: Transporting our IVF meds that are supposed to be refrigerated! Hey, if it’s good enough for ice cream…

If you have any questions about anything I’ve discussed in this post, please don’t hesitate to ask!

The IVF Experience: Egg Retrieval through Day 3

We last left off at the HCG "trigger" injection. I used to think the sole purpose of the HCG was to make you ovulate, so I wondered what it's use was in an IVF cycle, when they don't want you to ovulate before they retrieve the eggs. It turns out it also tells your eggs to switch from 46 to 23 chromosomes-an important step if you want room for the 23 chromosomes a sperm will add!

Thirty-five hours after triggering, I had my egg retrieval (ER). This entailed not eating or drinking anything-not even water-from 5 in the morning until my retrieval just after noon. The water was absolutely the toughest part of that! At the clinic, I filled out more forms, changed into a hospital gown, hairnet, and booties. I was allowed to keep my bra and socks on, so I wore my special silly socks to help keep my spirits up and my feet warm!  Besides, other than your hoohah, your feet and calves are what your surgery team ends up seeing most of the time, and you want them in a good mood!

Nurse "Sweet" was my prep and recovery nurse, and first she tried to put the catheter in my hand for the IV. It didn't go so well. So, the anesthesiologist, Dr. "Silent" took care of it, hooked me up, then walked me into the OR. As I'm climbing onto the table and swinging my knees up over the stirrups, I'm already feeling like I've had a couple drinks, and frankly, I don't even remember laying down, that sedation worked so fast! I do remember asking my main IVF Nurse, Nurse "Mellow" if she liked my socks! She said yes, they're great!

Next thing I knew, I was feeling awesome and back on my original gurney, and I just really wanted to keep sleeping, but Nurse Sweet insisted I had to wake up! I vaguely remember telling her and maybe someone else in the room they they all did a great job, that it was awesome, that they were awesome and I loved them all, and that I would bake them zucchini bread. I was probably quite entertaining, but hopefully welcome comic relief after the cranky patient I overheard before me.

While I was asleep, here's what my team was supposedly doing: The RE takes a long needle, and using a speculum and an ultrasound machine, inserts it into the vagina, through the vaginal wall, and into each mature follicle in each ovary. Dr. Analytical said he retrieved 19 eggs, so that would be 19 follicles. Fun, eh?

After a brief recovery period, I was sent home with painkillers and instructions to take it easy, not immerse myself in water, lift more than 10 lbs, have sex, or get my heart rate over 120 for two weeks, among other things. Pre-op was at 11:45, ER at about 12:45, and I was home at 3:30.

The next afternoon, Nurse Mellow called to give me the fertilization report. Out of 19 eggs, I only had 8 that were mature. This was a big drop to start this process with, and I was horribly disappointed, not to mention still in physical pain. Only five had fertilized, with a sixth runt that was a possibility. This made me cry. Looking forward, I knew we still had to get to Day 3, then through genetic screening, and to Day 5, for transfer or freezing. Then, of course, there's my history of pregnancy loss. All those hurdles seem awfully daunting with 5, maybe 6 embryos. (Not to mention-only 8 out of 19 were mature?! No wonder we're infertile!)

Today we got our Day 3 report, and while number 6 didn't make it, the other 5 did! We have another one falling a little behind, but still ok. Ideally, they want 6 or more cells on Day 3, and when Nurse Mellow called me this morning, she said number five only had 5 cells. However, three of my embies were already up to 7, and one of them even had 8 cells! This is blessed news!

So, we still have five embies growing like the little stubborn warriors we know they are. Please continue to send them your prayers, good vibes, and well-wishes. As their mother, I know they can feel the love, as do the Wacky Wicketeer and I.

The IVF Experience: Through Trigger

Here's where I start to give you the details about what this IVF cycle entails. At the moment, I'm frankly a little buzzed on a prescription painkiller my RE gave me after egg retrieval, so please, bear with me!

The first part of preparing for IVF is down-regulating. Particularly with PCOS, the woman's hormones need to be under control prior to starting stimulation. To accomplish this, Dr. Analytical had me go on birth control pills (BCPs) in December. On a Wednesday in mid-February, I started daily injections of Lupron, which does a lot of things, but mostly suppresses estrogen production. Thus, side effects are like a mini-menopause: hot flashes, fatigue, headaches, etcetera. At the same time as the Lupron, I started taking Dexamethasone, to help suppress my immune system. The next Monday, I stopped BCPs, and Aunt Flo officially began my cycle that Wednesday.

I had to get my estrogen level tested the next day to make sure that I was properly suppressed, which I was, with estradiol at 25. So I was on course to start stim injections the following week, which included Follistim and Luveris.

You might be noticing that there are a lot of injections involved. Most women either do these themselves, or have their husband or partner do them. However, the Wacky Wicketeer has a tendency to faint at the sight of needles, and while he nonetheless offered to try, I decided that I did not want a passed-out husband on my hands while going through this. The idea of doing them myself totally stressed me out, but I'm fortunate enough to have a Stepmom that is a nurse! So, she was kind enough to arrange twice-daily injections with me.

After a week of stims, I had my monitoring appointment, which included an ultrasound and another estradiol test. My estradiol was 3500, my uterine lining was 9.5, and I had 21 follicles ranging from 12 to 21 mm, with most of them in the 15 to 18 mm range. Dr. Analytical said I responded perfectly to the stims, that it looked great, and we should stop stims, trigger, and schedule egg retrieval for Wednesday - 2 days ahead of schedule!
So we did.

We had to administer the trigger injection - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG), a.k.a. the pregnancy hormone - at 1:45 in the morning! So, Stepmom stayed overnight, and we got up in the middle of the night to get it done.

Next up, the scary part: Egg Retrieval!

How we got to IVF & Current Status

Last year, after going through two miscarriages at about 8 weeks, I had a bazillion tests done to see what could be wrong. We found nothing. No uterine factors, no immunology issues, no clotting factors, no infection. The Wacky Wicketeer and I were both karyotyped after the first miscarriage, which showed that we, ourselves, had no major chromosome defect that might be contributing to the loss. My general practitioner did find that I had a severe vitamin D deficiency. However, my Reproductive Endocrinologists (REs) would not attribute my losses to this factor. (Despite the fact that there are recent studies coming out showing a possible relationship between uterine lining and vitamin D.) Go here for more information on causes of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL): http://www.asrm.org/uploadedFiles/ASRM_Content/Resources/Patient_Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Info_Booklets/recurrent_preg_loss.pdf)

We were very disappointed in the attention and lack of customer service we were receiving at our first clinic. So, we went to a new one last fall.

Our new RE, Dr. "Analytical", diagnosed me with a mild form of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). You can learn more about PCOS here: http://haveababy.com/infertility-education/causes-of-infertility/pcos.html. PCOS is a syndrome, thus it occurs on a spectrum. At my end of the spectrum, I still ovulate regularly, but my eggs are immature and/or poor quality.

Dr. Analytical has a theory that, between poor-quality eggs caused by PCOS, and abnormal sperm, as exemplified by the Wacky Wicketeer's abnormal sperm morphology, we end up with a non-viable embryo on the rare occasions that sperm actually fertilizes egg. This then results in a pregnancy loss.

Dr. Analytical has explained to us that our best chance at having a biological child is through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI) and genetic screening. In this way, we are the most likely to become pregnant with a viable embryo.

So, here we are. We decided to do IVF with ICSI and genetic screening, and are now in the midst of treatment. It is a trying process, and we are attempting to approach it with grace, with respect for our marriage, and with love for the embryos conceived in the process. I'll explain more of the details in another post, but for now, know that we have five, maybe six, embryos in their first home at the clinic, each fighting to grow. Please send them, and us, your prayers, hope, love, luck, and well-wishes. Thanks in advance, and lots of babydust to those looking for it!

Oh, Dear, It's Been Awhile!

Somehow, two and a half months have passed without a post! I think I am struggling against a mental block, wanting to finish my description of everything I've been through in the last couple of years, but at the same time, not wanting to think about it too much.

Right now, I can say that I was depressed last year. Pretty much the whole year, with only a couple days where things seemed bright and the fog briefly parted. I think those closest to me could see the evidence of it: My lack of productivity, my more frequently messy house, my need for escapism.

The new year has brought with it a new attitude for me. I think it provided a mechanism by which I could divide the sadness and horrors of the last year from the bright future I hope for. I knew I had successfuly moved out of my depression when, on January 11, I suddenly realized that I had passed the anniversary of my physical loss of my first baby five days prior, and had completely missed it. These anniversaries are normally days of deep reflection and sadness for me. But here, I had passed right by it!

For me, that was a sign. I will never forget what it was like to be joyfully pregnant with those two babies, as brief as my time of joy was. The Wacky Wicketeer and I will memorialize them in our own way every year on their Greek Saints' name days. But, I am no longer in mourning. I am optimistic, and happy. I have Hope again.

Infertility Follows Us Everywhere - A Little Humor

I have a bazillion things going through my head that I want to write about, but can't seem to find the time to spit it all out! So instead, I decided to share this video.

A friend of mine who has struggled with infertility is currently pregnant with triplets after IVF. She posted this on Facebook, and I couldn't resist sharing it here. Enjoy!

Check it out: Info from "The Disappearing Male"

Most of you know that so far, our fertility diagnosis is one of male factor infertility. Specifically, the Wacky Wicketeer has abnormal sperm morphology, or too low a number of properly-shaped sperm, and sometimes borderline sperm motility. This male factor infertility issue is becoming more and more common, and for us, is likely one of the factors involved in our two pregnancy losses.

When the Wacky Wicketeer and I discovered our infertile status, it was estimated that one in ten couples of child-bearing age in the U.S. was infertile. That number has already gone up to one in eight. Moreover, reproductive and other problems in boys are on an alarming increase.

A little less than two years ago, and replayed earlier this year, CBC, a respected Canadian television network, did a documentary as part of its Doc Zone series, called "The Disappearing Male". Unfortunately, the website only allows those in Canada to view it online, here: http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/Shows/Doc_Zone/ID=1233750780

But even if you can't watch the video, you can find some of the alarming facts on their fact sheet on male infertility, such as: "The average sperm count of a North American college student today is less than half of what it was 50 years ago." They also include some great explanations as to just how and why this appears to be happening, in their document, "Backgrounder: Endocrine 101".

While the current state of information in this arena is fluctuating and largely theoretical, the statistics are staggering, and the anecdotes are heartbreaking. The Wacky Wicketeer and I have taken the approach that, if there is something we can do about it in our lives, then we might as well do it. Some examples of the steps we have taken include: Getting rid of all our kitchen plastics other than numbers 1, 2, 4 and 5; Not using any plastics in the microwave; Getting a new couch; Dusting and vaccuming more frequently; Decreasing products we use with phthalates and parabens, opting for goods that use other, known and recognizable ingredients.

I hope you'll take a minute to look at the CBC info, and consider what you can do to make a difference for the children and future children in your life.

A Due Date: Our Story of Blessing and Loss, part 1

Today is the day my first baby, Athanasios, was due. If I had the healthy, normal pregnancy that we expected, I would have been giving birth to my first child this week.
This is a difficult day, and week, for me. Nevertheless, I’m glad it has finally come to pass. It feels cathartic, like now it’s time to turn a new page in our story. So, I’ve decided to take this opportunity to go back and share the details of our infertility and miscarriage journey thus far.

Since the last time I posted specifically about our TTC attempts and our IUI protocol, etc., was almost a year ago, I thought I would briefly review the protocol that I started to describe there, and then get on telling you about the rest of the journey. If you need reminders about what certain procedures, medications, etc. are, head back to the August 20, 2009 post. And if you need to get caught up on the whole history of our TTC journey, read the July 30, 2009 post.

Last August we started a medicated IUI cycle that included me taking Clomid on CDs 3-7. Side effects that I had from it included hot flashes, bloating, headaches, and blind spots (like stars you see when you get a concussion or a migraine). I have heard from other gals that mood swings are also very common, and the doctor warned me that the Clomid could thin out the uterine lining and decrease cervical mucus (which is an important fluid present around ovulation (“O”) that helps the sperm swim through the cervix and into the uterus).

Because of the last couple of side effects from Clomid, the next drug was Estrogen, or Estradiol, which I took on CDs 8-12. The bloating continued, but the other side effects subsided. Starting on CD 11, I had to use an ovulation predictor kit (“OPK”) first thing in the morning, and as soon as we had a positive result, call the clinic and go in for an intra-vaginal ultrasound (“IVUS”) to see how big my mature follicles were and how thick my uterine lining was, and from that, predict how close I was to O. We also had to abstain starting on CD 9 until the insemination, so that my dear husband (AKA “the Wacky Wicketeer”) could build up a good store of soldiers before making his deposit! They start you on CD 9 in case you have to get the IUI on CD 12, so that you have three days of storage, but I didn’t O until CD 14 (as usual), so it was a long time, I tell ya! And mind you, those days are your most fertile, so for the previous two years, that had been prime baby-dancing time! What a switch…

On CD 13, I had a positive OPK, and we went in for my IVUS. I had two good, mature follicles and a nice uterine lining, so then I was injected with a form of HCG, AKA, the pregnancy hormone. This injection is commonly called a trigger shot, because it is supposed to trigger O. It also means that for a period of time, you could get a false positive on a home pregnancy test (“HPT”), because you had the very hormone it tests for injected into your system. The Doc then told us that the Wacky Wicketeer would need to be back early in the morning and make his deposit, and two hours later would be my second round with the IVUS, to make sure everything still looked good and see if I had O’d yet or not, and then an IUI.

Late that night was one of the most painful I’d had up to that point. My ovaries felt like they were going to explode! Sure enough, when I returned the next morning, I had already O’d. So, we had just the one shot at IUI.

After the Wacky Wicketeer made his deposit, they took the soldiers, “washed” them, to get rid of dead and useless ones, and then gave them a special vitamin solution to swim around in on their voyage.

Now, my turn. The tiny room we were in already contained me, the Wacky Wicketeer, the RE (doctor), and the nurse. As I’m laying there with my feet in the stirrups, all pride gone, into this sardine can walks two more people - a lab tech, with an assistant in tow. The lab tech is carrying what we’ve all been waiting for – the troops have arrived! In her hand is what looks to me like a two-foot long straw. It was labeled, and she very formally read our names from the label, and we said, yep, that’s us! The RE then took the straw from her, and the lab tech and her assistant left. Whew. A little more breathing room. That’s when the RE, having already used the speculum on me like a regular gynecological pelvic exam, inserts a catheter connected to the straw through the vaginal canal, past the cervix, up into the uterus, and aims as close to the fallopian tubes as he can get, so those little soldiers have a shorter swim. It wasn’t real painful, just a little weird, and I had a little cramping start when it passed my cervix, sort of like mild menstrual cramps. It took a couple of minutes (seemed like an eternity to me!), and when the RE was done, he set an egg timer for 10 minutes, and said I could get up, dressed, and go when the timer went off. Oh, and that we should boink like bunnies that night to add to our chances!

Not that night, but the following night, I started taking a prescribed compound vaginal suppository nightly. It was a compound that was primarily intended to deliver progesterone, to support a possible early pregnancy, and make sure I didn’t start menstruating earlier than I should. The suppositories are messy, so you take it right before you go to bed. I was instructed to take it until either my period came, or I had a blood test that showed I was negative for pregnancy, at least sixteen days post-IUI.

Normally, good ol’ “Aunt Flo” (or “AF”, as the TTC community so quaintly refers to a woman’s period) arrives on CD 26 or 27 for me, not 29 like for the “average” woman. This would have been only twelve days post-IUI for me, but the progesterone prevented my period from starting normally, so I took a HPT. OK, I took several HPTs. They were all that dreaded BFN (big fat negative)! But, just in case, hope beyond hopes, I had to continue waiting another four days, then went in for the blood “beta” test. (I have no idea why they call it a beta test.) Of course, it was negative.

So, our first IUI was a failure. It was also very stressful. Not having gone through the process before, and, at the time, not understanding everything I was supposed to do, or why I was supposed to do it, but being the sole person responsible for making sure that everything happened at just the right time – whew! Add the hormones to that mix, and you can imagine. And everything else in life doesn’t just go on hold because you’re going through this, either.

The toughest point for me was getting the negative home tests, because I knew at that point, that it hadn’t worked. After the blood test confirming that we were NOT pregnant, I stopped the progesterone, and AF showed up three days later. My first instinct was to give up. But my determined Wacky Wicketeer would have none of it. Ultimately, it was an easy decision to take a month off before we would try IUI again.

Come back soon for my next post, which will pick up with our second IUI cycle – when we were blessed with our first pregnancy, and lost our first Angel baby, Athanasios.

A Baby Dream

Over the course of this TTC, infertility, and miscarriage roller coaster, I have had many dreams regarding being pregnant, miscarriages, etc. But last night I had the most vivid dream actually about my baby. I have tried to decide whether it was about one of the two babies I have lost, or about a baby I will have or hope to have in the future, and I've decided that it doesn't matter.

It was a little girl. We had just arrived home from the hospital, and although I knew she was supposed to be strapped into her car seat in the back, in the way that dreams work, I was suddenly holding her in the front seat. I held her in my arms and kissed her on her fuzzy head and her cool, pink cheeks, and she smelled so good it made me cry. When I kissed her cheeks, I could feel her tiny eyelashes on my nose.

Then I realized that I had yet to feed her, and started freaking out a little because I knew she should have been fed much earlier! On top of it, I had never had the nurse instruct me on how to breastfeed! But I was so worried about the fact that she hadn't fed yet, I decided I had to do it right there in the front seat of the car, parked in my garage. And I did. And it worked perfectly. No instruction needed. And she was so beautiful, with her little suckling noises, and her soft little head. I cried again.

I started to wake up, and for the first time in years, I didn't want to. I wanted to stay in that dream more than anything. But I couldn't. I woke up.

Coping with stress, infertility, and miscarriage - Finding peace in a poem

Someone on twitter earlier today happened to quote from my all-time favorite poem, and it inspired me to post about said poem.

It's "Desiderata", by Max Ehrmann. Desiderata is latin for "things desired". Ultimately, this poem is about finding peace for your own spirit. In the up and down world of infertility, I think much of what it says is right on point. You can read the entire poem by clicking here, and I highly suggest that you do. Hopefully, it will help you find some peace, too.

For my purposes here, I'm going to discuss what some lines from Desiderata mean to me.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste,...
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons."

So often we allow ourselves to be wound up so tight as the day wears on, or the week, or the month, that we become louder, more aggressive, harder on ourselves and others, impatient, rude, and give oursleves headaches, backaches, ulcers and high blood pressure. If we can just stop and breath deeply, slow down a little, and give ourselves a little room to breathe, we will be happier and kinder people, making our own lives and the world around us a more peaceful place, and even inspiring others.

"Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story."

My experience in law, politics, speech and debate, has taught me that the louder you speak, eventually the less people listen. But the quieter you are, the more likely you are to gain a captive audience. Moreover, we all have stories. We all have lives with good times and bad times. If you judge someone without learning their story, you are not only doing them a disservice, but you're missing out on gaining insight into the human experience. No matter how boring or stupid someone might seem, their story likely has something you can learn from it, and they deserve your compassion as much as you deserve theirs.

"...If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

This really is a key to happiness that I have struggled with over the years. But those rare moments when I get it are so incredibly freeing. You have to define your own success, not base it on others, if you ever want to be truly happy.

"Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans."

This is really about appreciating our past and living in the present, not always the future. Especially with infertility, it is so easy to get wrapped up in our plans, our protocols, our hopes and dreams, and especially our worries for what the future might not bring. But in doing this we can miss out on the joys we already have in our lives or could experience along the way. It's the same as what happens to a workaholic who wakes up one Saturday morning and starts getting ready to go to the office, then suddenly realizes that 20 years have passed, children are suddenly grown, the man who was once the love of her life has left, her parents have died, and the only friends she has are those at the office, and she thinks of all that she has missed out on. All because she had tunnel vision with only one future goal in sight. The presbyopic pursuit of a single goal can cause us to miss out on what joy our lives already have to offer. Don't let this happen to you.

It's also about allowing ourselves to fully experience the highs as well as the lows. My miscarriage, the loss of my baby, was an incredible low. But for a short while, I was pregnant! There was a life, a light, inside of me, and oh, what a joy that was! If I hadn't allowed myself to fully experience that joy, I couldn't have made it through the grief. And so that is how I intend to live every moment possible, including future pregnancies. I will allow myself to experience the joy of being a mom, without fear or apprehension. It's the only thing that makes grief bearable. If you are destined to grieve, you can do it when the time comes. Don't rob yourself of the joy you can experience now.

"...the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism..."

I like to think of this as: Expect the best and you'll receive the best. Expect the best from people and they will, more often than not, deliver. The VAST majority of people want to be good, want to do good, want to be happy, and want others to be happy. It's why we all cringe when we're watching someone forget their lines in a speech or a play. It's a built-in compassion. This is the foundation for heroism. Give people a chance to be heroes. And then give them a second chance - because none of us is perfect.

"...Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here."

Sometimes all we need to make things better and brighter is sleep, water, a shower, or the company of friends. When we find ourselves in a place that we can't seem to pick ourselves up from, we should be easy on ourselves and simply get back to these basics. They really can work wonders.

I'll end with these last lines, which, I think, speak for themselves:
"And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy."

Austin: Observations at a sidewalk cafe

I came to Austin, Texas for three reasons:

1. To visit DH while he is here for two and a half weeks for work. We haven’t been apart from each other for longer than 4 nights since the summer I went to an international law program in Salzburg-right before we moved in together almost six years ago. Since I am self-employed and currently keeping my workload to a minimum, I thought it would be a good idea to visit him on this work trip.

2. To TTC! It turns out his work trip was scheduled just perfectly to MISS our ENTIRE fertile window this cycle, by several days each side of said window. So, if I didn’t come visit him here, we would have zero chance of getting pregnant this month. To those not dealing with infertility, you might not think one month is a big deal. When you have spent 25 cycles trying to get pregnant, and 5 months being pregnant, having a miscarriage and recovering from that miscarriage, you’re turning 34 this month, DH has challenged spermies, this is your last chance for a 2010 baby, and you only have two more months to get pregnant before the doctors officially will diagnose you as being of “Advanced Maternal Age” (“AMA”)....trust me, one month IS a BIG DEAL.

3. To get the heck outta dodge. I get the travel bug a few times each year. I start spending copious amounts of time on the internet researching random trips to various parts of the world, trying to figure out a practical way to fit a trip into our lives and our budget. It drives me bonkers not being able to go, and once the bug hits, the longer I have to go without traveling, the more I obsess over it, the less productive I am, and the more annoying I am to DH.

So, here I am, spending nine days in Austin, Texas, and it just happens to be during the South by Southwest music festival. This is apparently a huge industry event, and an already uniquely odd city is now teeming with wacky music-types. Being in this place and time has led me to certain observations.

One afternoon, I found myself writing this as I experienced it:

Sitting at an open sidewalk cafe, giant

Glass doors open to the world of the intersection next door. Eating

Spicy hummus wrap and drinking rosy-red hibiscus tea, watching

Bikers pull away, listening

To the dried-up and wannabe rockers dream lives away, hearing

Three different bands in the distance. One

Jazz, one rapping away, one with a grungy sound trying

To absorb all other vibrations.

But one more thing is necessary.

Misconceptions about Infertility (no pun intended)

Please let my lawyer-self come out for a moment and make this disclaimer: I am not a doctor or any sort of medical professional. The information I share in this blog is from my reading, experience, and layperson opinion. I will try to cite reputable sources as often as possible.

I want to tell you about our new plan/protocol that is now underway, but before I do that there are a few more general issues I’d like to opine about. In particular, I want to dispel some of the more common misconceptions about infertility. One of the reasons I think this is important to do is because I know I may have some friends and family members reading this who are unfamiliar with infertility.

Infertility is not rare. In the United States, ten to 15 percent of couples are infertile. (Mayo Clinic, at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310.) According to the Mayo Clinic, infertility is the inability to get pregnant despite having frequent, unprotected intercourse for at least a year. (Ibid.) Several papers I have read from various clinics and sources define infertility more specifically as the inability to get pregnant despite having regular, unprotected intercourse for at least a year under the age of 35, or for at least six months if 35 or older. If the man or woman is diagnosed with a fertility-impairing condition prior to that time, they also may be considered infertile. I have noted that the population usually tested consists of married couples in which the woman is of “child-bearing age”, or 15-44 years of age.

In my experience, people often blow off infertility as insignificant, something that only rarely happens, and not to them. But if ten to 15 percent of couples are infertile, that means that more than 1 in 10 of the couples you know have, are, or will be struggling to bear a child. Infertility has been a taboo subject for far too long, leaving these people feeling isolated, unsupported, and misjudged.

Another broadly misunderstood aspect of infertility is that “it’s a woman’s problem.” In this day and age, I haven’t heard anyone actually use this phrase, but it is inherent in the assumption that people make that if a couple is infertile, there is something wrong with the woman.

Numbers vary on the exact percentages of the frequency that infertility is caused by a woman’s problem, a man’s problem, both, or is unexplained. Personally, I believe part of this problem in getting an accurate representation is simply that, if a couple is having trouble getting pregnant, the woman is far more likely to go see the doctor about it and get tested. Also, many symptoms or signs of infertility in women are more easily noticeable than in men. The National Women’s Health Information Center stated: “About one-third of infertility cases are caused by women’s problems. Another one third of fertility problems are due to the man. The other cases are caused by a mixture of male and female problems or by unknown problems.” (http://www.womenshealth.gov/FAQ/infertility.cfm#c.)

The third misconception I want to mention here about MFI (male factor infertility), is that a man’s fertility depends simply on his sexual performance, such that, if he has a fertility problem, he must not be a great performer in bed. On the contrary, all the stories I know about MFI entail men between the ages of 24 and 50, who have low sperm counts, morphology or motility, and are stallions in bed! (Their wives or partners have provided me with this data.) This includes my own husband. Enough said about that.

Watch for my next entry, which I plan on being about our new protocol.

The Ups and Downs of Infertility

Today is the first day of a new chapter for my husband and I. Today I started the medication to prepare for assisted reproductive therapy, or ART. It has been a long road to get to this point, but, fortunately, not as bumpy as it is for some. Some people go through multiple miscarriages as they try to conceive. Not us. At least, not yet.

Two years ago, we decided we were as ready as we’d ever be to be parents, so we set aside the birth control and got down to business. We were 31 years old, and wanted to have two kids before we were 35, so I looked up what I needed to know so we could be as effective as possible at our “baby dancing”.

For those of you who don’t know, there is only a period of time of about 4 days, give or take, during each menstrual cycle, that baby dancing (BD) can result in a pregnancy. The window generally consists of the three days before ovulation (O), and the day of O. With busy lives, it can be easy to miss that precious window.

The average woman of child-bearing age ovulates on about cycle day (CD) 14, but it can vary. The average woman also has a menstrual cycle of 28 days, but this can vary, too. To establish her particular fertile window, a woman can take her temperature every morning with a special, sensitive thermometer, and she can use ovulation predictor kit tests – or “pee on a stick” (POAS).

I did all this, and continued doing it off and on for the past two years. My own cycles average 25 days long, so they go faster than a month, but there were multiple times when we had to take off from trying to conceive (TTC). First, because I had to get an MMR vaccine and a TDAP vaccine, and then because I donated blood for my Dad’s surgery.

In the summer of 2008, we started talking to our doctors about fertility, and both got certain tests done. It turns out we have low sperm morphology, creating mild, male factor infertility. That’s the only diagnosis we’ve been able to get. It’s not that we can’t get pregnant, it’s just that we have a lower statistical chance.

So, we spent 22 cycles trying, then hoping, praying and waiting, for the wonderful news. Each cycle, counting down the days, getting negative pregnancy tests, crying when that time of the month came that “Aunt Flo” showed up with her cramps, bloating, backache and all, until I felt like I was going insane.

Today, I had lunch with a good friend and colleague, and we caught up on our TTC misadventures. I mentioned to her that about 16 babies had been born around me, to friends, family, and physically near acquaintances, during the time we have been trying to have a baby of our own. After I got home, I sat down and actually made a list. The total count of babies born or currently pregnant mothers in my world in the last two years is actually 32. And four of those are to two women. The same two women I jealously watched have their first children almost two years ago are already having their seconds.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I love all these parents, whether as friends, family, or just through the love of humanity, and I would never, ever, want to replace their joy with sorrow. I am happy for them. But I am also sad for myself and my husband. I would like more people to realize that every belly pic, every joyous, “it’s a boy!” every baby shower, and every adorable photo of their little ones brings tears to my eyes, and rips open a hole in my heart. Maybe it will help them better appreciate the challenges that kids bring. Maybe when the kids are screaming, and the baby’s crying, they’ll realize that it could be worse – they could have never had those beautiful babies. Moral of the story: Take nothing for granted, including the ability to get pregnant.

Albert Einstein is attributed with the quote, “Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I definitely reached that place. I thought, well, maybe we’re not meant to be parents. Maybe God has another plan for us. But, really? How could that be possible, when I can feel with all my heart and soul that there’s supposed to be a baby in my arms? I struggled with the idea that we should just give up, but I couldn’t do it. My whole life, I’ve been taught, and lived by, the concept that I must never give up.

Now, I have a new protocol, something different that my dear husband and I can do to have our babies. For the first time in months, I feel cautiously optimistic, like my head is starting to come out of a fog. I can physically feel depression lifting, despite the additional hormones and chemicals that are starting to course through my body. I’m ready, so bring it on.