Reflecting on 2014, Family-building, and Possibilities

With the new year on the horizon, I've been in a little bit of a panic. I am no stranger to anxiety and panic attacks, and while this hasn't risen anywhere near to the level of panic attack (with work over the years, those appear to have mostly been dealt with), the anxiety is nevertheless present. I just cannot believe 2014 is over! Where did it go? I've been feeling like I must not have done anything with it because it barely seems to have existed! 2013 was by far one of the worst years of my life - I lost a baby and my dad, among others. I remember being at the end of 2013 and thanking God for both the blessings 2013 had brought (my sweet, silly kitty, for one), and that it was OVER. But this new year's eve, I feel so desperate for MORE of 2014! 

Then someone reminded me of some of the great pictures I'd posted through the year, and I decided to go back through them and make a collage for myself of a handful of amazing moments and memories from the year. I am SO glad I did!

Of course this year wasn't perfect. I lost a grandfather. And amazing experiences don't just fall into your lap (98% of the time). You have to work for them, persist, and be ready for the unexpected. That's exactly what I did. At the beginning of the year, I had several goals: Become a life coach by taking and finishing the UC Davis program (done), incorporate my business (done), become a public speaker (not yet), finish a first draft of my first novel (not yet), put our house on the market so we can by our dream home (done), pick an adoption agency (done), finish our adoption agency application (not yet), plan and take a 3-4 week trip overseas (done), visit my husband's side of the family (done), work on a few close friendships (ongoing), and lose 15 more pounds or 1 more clothing size (LOL).

You can see that some goals were met while others weren't. To be fair, though, it was a bit ambitious. Probably unrealistic. But OMG, what an amazing year it led to! I made incredible friends in my coaching class, and got to see things out in the world that so overwhelmed me, I was overcome with tears of joy while in their presence. No wonder I want MORE of 2014!

On the one hand, my list, as a set of goals, was unrealistic and overwhelming. People ask me why I haven't made more progress on the adoption paperwork - why I seem to be putting it off. Some of it might be that I'm procrastinating from a fear of failure, but honestly, it's because when it comes to building my family, well, I have more control over the outcome of other things. Admittedly, we need a better support community for us to move forward through the adoption process, so that's something I'll be looking for in 2015.

But if, instead of viewing my overwhelming, unrealistic list as one of goals, we view it as a list of possibilities, then WOWZERS! Anything can happen!

People are different, and while some do well with goals, some of us, including myself, thrive under a looser construct. We need space for creativity and bounce back faster from the unexpected when we aren't constricted by what we see as boundaries and rules that our Gremlins tell us we should be following and make us feel bad if we don't.

My resolution for 2015 is this: Instead of goals, I will have possibilities. Because that's really what they are anyway.

Are you more motivated by goals or possibilities? How did you do with them last year? How do you think this applies to building your family or coping with infertility?

Filling My Life with Other People’s Children

Yes, it has been a loooong time since I’ve posted! I spent most of the year not thinking about kids of my own. Or at least, trying to not think about them. I had a few ideas for posts, but each time felt like I couldn’t focus on this blog at that moment.

One of the things that filled my life this year is other people’s children. This is an emotionally charged topic for us infertiles. Most of us experience so much longing for children of our own, envy is unavoidable. It’s not that we’re not happy for those that have kids. It is completely possible to be happy for someone and jealous of what they have at the same time. It’s part of the grief we have for that loss of what we expected. The loss of a dream of children, whether one or many, no matter how temporary or permanent.

I was there a couple of years ago. I’ve been on this TTP journey for five years now. Between years one and three-and-a-half was the hardest. I went through my miscarriages, my first failed IVF, and I couldn’t bear pregnant bellies, babies, or hardly kids of any age. When I was younger I found other people’s kids mostly irritating anyway. It seemed like so many of them were undisciplined. Now I have a better understanding of child development, and while there are still some brats that I will not hesitate to yell at or lecture, most kids are mostly good, and some even highly entertaining and/or helpful.

I have my Priest to thank for helping me move past my jealousy about other people’s kids. He knew about our infertility and miscarriages, and at the three-year mark, he suggested I help teach the Pre-K Sunday school class. It was hard at first. Seeing that adorable bunch of three and four year olds most Sundays was very emotional for me. But it was also exhausting and fulfilling. The following year, I took over as head Pre-K teacher, and I’m doing it again this school year. It has been wonderful watching them grow up, and even brings a tear to my eye as they move on to their Kindergarten class. We take a summer break from May through September, and I am so excited to start back up in October, and meet my new batch of three year olds!

I also have my nephew to thank, via my only sister. My sister got pregnant in between my two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. I was so excited for her, and at the same time jealous. Even now, I still struggle with jealousy during others’ pregnancies. My Monchichi (my own personal nickname for my nephew) was born just past my third year mark. From day one, I have felt a connection with him that is indescribable. He reminds me of my sister as a baby, and it sort of feels like watching my best friend grow up all over again! (I’m over four years older than my sister.) I miss him so much when I’m not with him, and much of my traveling this year has been to visit him. I can’t wait until he’s old enough to come visit Aunt Jamie! He’s almost two, and we have conversations where he talks nonsense and I pretend to understand. I also give him raspberries, hang him upside down, and play silly games with him. We laugh so much together! I love him to pieces.

Finally, I have my Godkids to thank, via their mom, my friend Rebecca. Technically, we only sponsored the boy, but I don’t generally feel the need to distinguish them on that level. If that little girl ever needed me, I’d be there for her as much as for our Godson. The boy is 10 and the girl is 8 and a half. They’ve been in our lives for almost 2 years now. This past year I’ve had the opportunity to have them visit on an almost weekly basis. We do some schoolwork, character building, some sports, games, art projects, watch some cartoons, eat dinner and they sleepover. I often read to them at bedtime. They bring such innocence and light into my life! On weeks when I don’t get to spend time with them, life just isn’t quite as good.

I have other friends and family with kids who I would love to know better, too. Unfortunately, many of our friends dropped off the map once they had kids. Some people seem to think that since we don’t have kids, we don’t want to be around them. Admittedly, that may have been true once upon a time, when we were actively grieving. But it hasn’t been for awhile now. Sadly, we have lost friends over these years dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. But, it has made more room in our lives for our younger friends!

For those of you dealing with infertility, how do you feel about other people’s kids? Has your experience changed over the years? Do you think you’ll try to have more of other people’s kids in your life?

Shaking It Out

My favorite current song is Florence + The Machine's "Shake It Out". After four and a half years of trying to have a baby, failed IUIs, IVFs, and miscarriages, with diagnoses of both male and female factor infertility, I feel like I need to "Shake It Out".

After our last failed embryo transfer in November, with no frozen embryos left, and at almost 36 years old, the odds becoming increasingly stacked against us having a our own genetic child, spending $20,000 a pop on each additional IVF attempt feels like a massive waste of money. Unless something else changes to improve our odds, I don't see us doing more IVF attempts using my own eggs. Neither does the Wacky Wicketeer. To be honest, I don't really want to put my body through that again for these odds. I have no idea how some women go through it seven times. Two has done me in. I can feel my organs, different pieces of my body, rebelling against the process; Screaming at me to stop.

Right now we're not sure what family-building route we will take. Donor egg? Donor embryo? Adoption? There's still no goalie in place, but with our odds, we know better than to get our hopes up that a) we'll get pregnant, plus b) we'll stay pregnant. Miracles do happen, but in the meantime we are researching our options, and taking some time to "shake the devil off our back", as Florence might put it.

Take a minute to enjoy the video and read the lyrics. I think we can all use an occasional "Shake It Out"!



Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off

And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but its left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah


Florence And The Machine Shake It Out lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/florence-and-the-machine-shake-it-out-lyrics.html

Cop-out from Blogging About the Rest of My IVF Cycle

Obviously, I need to finish blogging about my IVF cycle, but I don't feel like it yet. So I grabbed this from Rocket City Rebel's Tumblr site:

Reblog and bold what applies to you.
• I’m loud.
• I’m sarcastic.
• I cry easily.
• I have a bad temper.
• I’m easy to get along with.
• I have more enemies than friends.
• I’ve smoked. (Twice in college)
• I drink coffee. (Down to a cup a day instead of 12!)
• I clean my room daily.

My appearance:
• I wear makeup. (If I’m leaving the house.)
• I wear a piece of jewelry at all times. (Except in water, I inevitably at least have on earrings or my wedding ring)
• I wear contacts.
• I wear glasses.
• I have braces.
• I change my hair color often.
• I have a piercing.
• I have small feet.

Relationships:
• I’m in a relationship now. 
• I’m single.
• I’m crushin’. (On the same person I'm in a relationship with! Yes, I know that's cheesy.)
• I’ve missed an ex before.
• I’m always scared of being hurt.
• I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
• I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
• I’ve been in love more than two times.
• I believe in love at first sight.

Friendships:
• I have a best friend.
• I have at least ten REAL friends. (I have lots of IRL friends, but my criteria for what is a REAL friend is rather stringent.)
• I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
• I’ve beaten up a friend.
• I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.
• I can trust at least five people with my life.

Experiences:
• I’ve been on a plane.
• I’ve taken a taxi.
• I’ve taken a city bus.
• I’ve taken a school bus.
• I’ve made a speech.
• I’ve been in some sort of club.
• I’ve won an award.
• I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight.

Music:
• I listen to R&B.
• I listen to pop.
• I listen to techno.
• I listen to rock.
• I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
• I download music.
• I buy CD’s. (Not anymore)

Television:
• I spend at least six hours a day watching television. 
• I’m in love with Days Of Our Lives.
• I’ve seen and liked the O.C.
• I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.
• I’ve seen and liked America’s Next Top Model.
• I’ve seen and liked CSI.

Family Life:
• I get along with both of my parents.
• My biological parents are still together.
• I have at least one brother.
• I have at least one sister.
• I’ve been kicked out of the house.
• I’ve ran away from my home.
• I’ve sworn at my parents.
• I’ve made my parents cry.

Whoa, that section on Family Life was a little weird!

Wordless Wednesday: Hope

To My Future Children

A song came on the radio when I started my last post, that made me feel like it should be dedicated from me to my five embies, as my future children (and made me cry-or maybe that was the progesterone I'm on). It's an 80's song called "The Promise", by When in Rome. Of course it wasn't written for this purpose-It's a romantic love song, but it strikes a chord in me right now. Here are the lyrics, and the music video:

If you need a friend,
don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I'll always be there.

And when you're in doubt,
and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I'm gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I shout,
it's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,

I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, that make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa ...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)

I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)

But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,

I promise you, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)

I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)

And if I have to walk the world to make you fall for me,

I promise you, I promise you I will ...

I will...

I will...

I will...

The IVF Experience: Through Trigger

Here's where I start to give you the details about what this IVF cycle entails. At the moment, I'm frankly a little buzzed on a prescription painkiller my RE gave me after egg retrieval, so please, bear with me!

The first part of preparing for IVF is down-regulating. Particularly with PCOS, the woman's hormones need to be under control prior to starting stimulation. To accomplish this, Dr. Analytical had me go on birth control pills (BCPs) in December. On a Wednesday in mid-February, I started daily injections of Lupron, which does a lot of things, but mostly suppresses estrogen production. Thus, side effects are like a mini-menopause: hot flashes, fatigue, headaches, etcetera. At the same time as the Lupron, I started taking Dexamethasone, to help suppress my immune system. The next Monday, I stopped BCPs, and Aunt Flo officially began my cycle that Wednesday.

I had to get my estrogen level tested the next day to make sure that I was properly suppressed, which I was, with estradiol at 25. So I was on course to start stim injections the following week, which included Follistim and Luveris.

You might be noticing that there are a lot of injections involved. Most women either do these themselves, or have their husband or partner do them. However, the Wacky Wicketeer has a tendency to faint at the sight of needles, and while he nonetheless offered to try, I decided that I did not want a passed-out husband on my hands while going through this. The idea of doing them myself totally stressed me out, but I'm fortunate enough to have a Stepmom that is a nurse! So, she was kind enough to arrange twice-daily injections with me.

After a week of stims, I had my monitoring appointment, which included an ultrasound and another estradiol test. My estradiol was 3500, my uterine lining was 9.5, and I had 21 follicles ranging from 12 to 21 mm, with most of them in the 15 to 18 mm range. Dr. Analytical said I responded perfectly to the stims, that it looked great, and we should stop stims, trigger, and schedule egg retrieval for Wednesday - 2 days ahead of schedule!
So we did.

We had to administer the trigger injection - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG), a.k.a. the pregnancy hormone - at 1:45 in the morning! So, Stepmom stayed overnight, and we got up in the middle of the night to get it done.

Next up, the scary part: Egg Retrieval!

Manic Monday Munchies: The Farmers' Market

Eggs from our Farmers' Market

Last Saturday morning, the Wacky Wicketeer and I finally checked out the nearest Farmers’ Market. It had recently moved from about eight miles away to only 2-3 miles away, so we had no excuse as to why we hadn’t been there yet (other than the fact my darling husband likes to sleep until noon on Saturdays).

We were on the hunt for meat and dairy products mostly, because we already have weekly deliveries of local, organic, fruits and vegetables from Farm Fresh to You. Sure enough, we found local, organic, pasture-raised chicken, beef, eggs and cheese. The only things missing that I needed were milk and yogurt. However, I am planning a visit to the Sacramento Natural Foods Co-op, where I’ve heard I can find local milk and yogurt. We also happened to find some fresh, shelled, raw walnuts and pistachios, and a gorgeous hanging geranium plant for our backyard. It was a great time, with the ambience of people chatting and getting to know their food-providers, and even live music in the background.

Geranium from our Farmers' Market

So why go to the trouble? First of all, it’s really not much trouble. Even before we were trying to eat anything organic, much less organic and local, we would make trips to both Bel-Air and Costco every 1-2 weeks for groceries. Now, our produce is delivered to us, so about every two weeks, I’ll go to the Co-op for milk and yogurt, and the Wacky Wicketeer and I will have a Saturday morning date browsing the Farmers’ Market. But what if I need more food suddenly, for guests, or something? Then I just drive an extra five miles to the Davis Ranch stand in Sloughouse. Or, I take something out of the freezer, or make an extra trip to the Co-op. By the way, I’m no longer buying frozen food. Instead, I freeze some of what I get from the farms, for when it goes out of season, or if I happen to need extra. When you are eating local food, you actually observe its seasonality.

That brings up the second reason we are becoming sort of “locavores”. Food tastes so much better when it is in season, and appropriately ripened. What’s more, because it hasn’t had to travel thousands of miles, it didn’t  require genetic modification, or preservatives-leaving it in its pure state, as God and Mother Nature intended-naturally delicious (not to mention nutritious).

Local Wine

Our third reason is health. Our health and the health of our planet. The environmental savings when eating locally is obvious. It means your food didn’t have to use the petroleum required, and create the resulting
pollution, to travel from thousands of miles away. Moreover, we help to preserve biodiversity by not requiring our food to be genetically modified so that it can last longer. There is also an immediate benefit to our own bodies-we no longer have to strain our liver and kidneys, among other things, in digesting additives and preservatives. In addition, think about the recent recall of eggs due to salmonella poisoning-because I bought my eggs from a local farmer with a small flock (I even got to see pictures of the hens wandering around their pasture outside the barn), I wasn’t worried if my eggs were part of the recall. There is a lot more to this, but I’m not an expert on it (yet), and it would make this an even longer post.

The fourth reason is one that doesn’t occur to a lot of people. When you buy food grown and produced locally, you are doing a better job in supporting your local economy. A farm is a business, just like a restaurant or clothing shop is a business. Buying your goods from local businesses instead of national chains generates close to three times the money for the local economy. (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Kingsolver, p. 149.)

Coinciding (but maybe not so coincidental) with our foray into locavore life, I’ve been reading a related book, called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, by Barbara Kingsolver. I highly suggest you read it, no matter where you live, whether urban or rural, and no matter whether you are a vegetarian or at the carnivore end of our omnivore spectrum. It gave me a new appreciation for our family farms and farmers and their struggles, and it’s important that we have our eyes wide open to what exactly it is that we put in our bodies every day. Moreover, find a farmers’ market nearby, and make it a date or family outing to check it out. You may be surprised at how close one is to you. Here are a couple of websites that may help:

http://www.localharvest.org/  (United States and some Canada)
http://www.cafarmersmarkets.com/ (California)

You can also find local co-ops that have a local store, permanent stand, or deliver direct to your home or business. Many of these farms often give tours. For example, Farm Fresh to You offers tours of their farm, Capay Organic, the second Saturday of the month. You can find similarevents and tours at http://www.localharvest.org/events.jsp.

Of course, we still have our weaknesses that we don’t buy entirely locally: Feta cheese, chocolate, tea, and decaf coffee are big ones. And we’re still figuring out how to get bread made from locally-grown grains, among other things. But we love the changes we’ve made so far, and intend to do more to bring our family’s focus back to the garden and kitchen. This change to local eating has also come with a focus on cooking, and less pre-packaged, quick-foods. We are inspired by this quote from Ms. Kingsolver:

Households that have lost the soul of cooking from their routines may not know what they’re missing: the song of a stir-fry sizzle, the small talk of clinking measuring spoons, the yeasty scent of rising dough, the painting of flavors onto a pizza before it slides into the oven. The choreography of many people working in one kitchen is, by itself, a certain definition of family, after people have made their separate ways home to be together. The nurturing arts are more than just icing on the cake, insofar as they influence survival. We have dealt to today’s kids the statistical hand of a shorter life expectancy than their parents, which would be us, the ones taking care of them. Our thrown-away food culture is the sole reason. By taking the faster drive, what did we save?

(Animal, p. 130.)

Our reasons for eating locally-grown goods are many and complicated. But doing so is not. The act of local eating is simplicity at its best and yummiest.