Reboot!

Hello my loyal and lovely readers! In case you hadn't noticed, I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus. A lot has happened in the last year, since my last post. The last time I blogged I talked about things happening in my life and feeling like clay being shaped by unseen forces. Since then, my dad died, a kitten showed up at our house and adopted us, I traveled to three other countries, I started a new business, another friend died, and we are moving forward with choosing an adoption agency!

But, none of that is what this post is about. Because you see, Thursday is the start of BlogHer 2014! It's being held in San Jose, where I partially grew up, and driving distance from where I now live. That fact has inspired me to reboot this blog, and start a couple of others to support my brand new website going live any day now! I hope you will all do me the honor of reading what I have to say over there as well, when those blogs are up and running.

One of the primary hotels conference attendees are staying at is the Fairmont in San Jose. I just stayed at the Fairmont for my 20-year high school reunion this weekend. And yes, I will be back on Wednesday for BlogHer. But after my stay I have a few tips to share! 1) Join the President's Club to get free WiFi. 2) The in-room minibar is very thorough, and of course also very expensive, and very sensitive! If you move anything you will be charged for it as well as a room service fee. 3) The Fairmont hotel parking is valet only. 4) If your car is a hybrid, you pay half for overnight guest parking. 5) At least some of the valet parking is out in the sun. When I got my car back it had clearly been sitting in the sun all morning. My plan on Wednesday is to tip a valet a few extra dollars when he takes the car, show him the sun visor and ask him to put it in the windshield when he parks the car. 6)The valet/bell hop system is poorly managed and understaffed. My experience this weekend was that when a conference is checking out on Sunday, they do not have bell hops available to come to your room and get your luggage at check out time. The wait to have your car retrieved gets very backed up. Maybe it's better if you check out earlier on Sunday, but I would give yourself plenty of extra time if you are on a schedule on Sunday and need to get a car out of the Fairmont's hotel parking.

Also, regarding transportation: if you are driving around the Bay Area, make sure to carry cash for bridge and road tolls. The lowest I know of is $5. And, if you are planning on using public transit, please research it first. Ours is not as convenient or thorough as many back east.

Let me know if you have any other questions about the Fairmont or anything related to San Jose. I will do my best to answer them!

Seven

There are so many things I could write about right now, and I plan on addressing them, one by one, in the near future. Some of you know what we went through earlier this year. Some of you don't. It suffices to say, I have come out the other side feeling changed, awakened. For the first time in my life, I feel as clay must feel, soft and pliable, ready to be shaped by a master potter into something miraculous.

Master Potter Spins His Wheel, from Nagarjun

I have experienced much loss in my life. The death of loved ones, born or unborn, and other, less critical losses that still manage to carry a certain amount of trauma. But never have I had so many losses occur in such a short amount of time. I read somewhere that the average person experiences a serious loss once every three or so years. From the end of last year, into the beginning of this one, in about seven weeks, we had seven tragic and scary events: Two deaths of loved ones, a miscarriage, an attempted burglary, an out-of-town hospitalization, a loved one’s cancer diagnosis, and a complicated situation of being trapped while pregnant. 

Many people recognize some of these as losses. But others are not as obvious. So, as I tell you about them, I intend to include some analysis of my own grief. I'm sure this process will leave me feeling vulnerable. I can only hope to continue to receive the same compassion you have shown me in the past.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

This is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To commemorate our lost babies, many in the community participate in the Wave of Light, lighting candles at 7 PM in our own time zones. Here is mine:

 

I am the mother of three lost babies, Athanasios, Barbara, and Cecilia. So I light three candles, one for each. They are on our household altar, an Orthodox Christian tradition. Here's another picture so you can see the Icons a little better:



We have an Icon for the patron saint of each of our babies. the largest one, in the center, is Saint Barbara. The smaller one to the left is Saint Athanasios, and the tiny one to the right is Saint Cecilia. There is also a glass Icon of Jesus, and part of our Icon of King David in this photo (David is the Wacky Wicketeer's patron saint.) We have others on our household altar and in our home, but these are the ones the help us grieve our babies. Each saint has a name/feast day, and it's on these days that we memorialize that lost child and all that happened or didn't happen centering on their part in our lives. In this way, we can remember them and pray for them once a year, without obssessing over the exact dates of events.

My first two losses, Athanasios and Barbara, were "missed miscarriages". This means that fetal death was diagnosed while they were still in the womb. I then waited for my body to push them out. Athanasios took a week. Barbara took two and a half weeks. When people ask what date I had the miscarriage, or I have to fill it out on a form, this always befuddles me. What date do I pick? The date when I had that eight-week ultrasound done and the heartbeat that had been there two weeks before was gone? Or the date I went into my mini-labor? Or the date I passed the fetal tissue? Having one day each year to grieve these events, and the term milestones and due date that were never reached, and the day of my BFP, helps me cope. It helps to keep my life focused on living.

I want to note here that in our theology, humans do not become Angels. Angels are another type of being entirely. So, though I may occasionally use the term to describe my babies in Heaven, I use it loosely, not under the belief that they are actually Angels. The more accurate term to me is "Lost Babies". I prefer to be called a "Baby loss mother" or "Mommy of a lost baby" than "Mommy of an angel". But, for my loss to be acknowledged at all is both an honor and a rarity, so I really don't mind the use of the term angel in doing so.

Thanks for reading this post. And to those that go so far as to acknowledge my losses, a big thank you for your compassion and respect. One in four women of childbearing age experience pregnancy or infant loss, yet it is still a taboo subject. This means many parents are left to grieve alone. I hope you'll help me change that.

PCOS

Photo of Pearls from Wikimedia Commons

September was PCOS awareness month, and suddenly it's over and I realize I didn't do an official post for it on this blog!  I did address my PCOS in my last post, so if you want to know more about it, you can read it here. I also addressed it further in a guest post for the Resolve New England blog. I'm rather proud of that post, and would love for you to go read it at http://www.resolvenewengland.org/2012/09/pcos-from-not-me-to-thats-me/.

Something that a lot of people don't think about is that PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, covers a huge range of experiences and symptoms. It's even in the name. The term "syndrome" references the fact that it is a spectrum disorder. In some women, PCOS causes ultra-long or non-existent menstrual cycles, but not all. For some it's a cause of infertility, but not for all.  For some, it causes miscarriages, but again, not all. Some women, but not all, have related weight difficulties, and some struggle with facial hair and/or acne. But it's a little different for almost everyone.

The most important piece of information to take from this though, is that PCOS is very common. It's considered the most common cause of infertility, and it is estimated that between 5 and 10 percent of women of reproductive age are affected by it. You can learn more about it here.

The Decision to do DEIVF



Fractal Ovary by Gilberto Santa Rosa

So where are we now as far as trying to add to our family? What’s the next step?

Basically, we have decided our next step will be to use donor eggs, also known as DEIVF (Donor Egg In Vitro Fertilization). It’s been tough getting here. Not just because of all we’ve been through. Making the actual decision has been hard. And since we can change our mind at any time realistically until our donor has started meds, maintaining this decision is also challenging.

First, it took some time for the Wacky Wicketeer to come around to the idea. When I brought it up at first he was just negative about it. Then he told me why – because he couldn’t imagine his DNA combining with anyone’s other than mine. It was this really weird, romantic, unexpected reaction, so I was like, “awww!” and “WTF?” at the same time! Later, we talked about it some more and I told him I didn’t think he realized what he was taking away from me by deciding we wouldn’t use donor eggs. As opposed to donor embryo, he was taking away my opportunity to bring more of HIM into the world. This man I love so much…I just can’t imagine the world without him in it, and part of my safeguarding that, since I know it will happen someday, is in trying to duplicate him. LOL. I know, that sounds strange, but there it is.

As compared to adoption, which he was ready to go ahead with, DEIVF would allow me to be pregnant, give birth, and possibly breastfeed. I would still have the opportunity to be the child’s birth mother, if not its genetic mother. I might be ready for adoption someday, but I’m not right now. To be ready for it, I would need to grieve these things.

He was still reluctant. Then one day he came home from work and said he was ready to proceed using donor eggs. I asked him what changed his mind. He told me a guy at work told him he needed to “just get over it!” Hah! After all that I had said, it took some guy from work who had been through an IVF or two to have his child, telling my Wacky Wicketeer to get over it.

I have heard it recommended that once you have a failed cycle at a clinic, you should change clinics. I think if it was a complete failure, i.e., no frozen embryos remaining, this is likely excellent advice. Each clinic I’ve been to has made little mistakes here or there that impact my confidence in them as a major part of my Fertility Team. So, we decided to change clinics. That same work friend of his, and an online friend of mine, each recommended a particular clinic in the Bay Area. So, we are switching to that one.

Because of the change, and because our initial infectious disease testing has expired, we have a lot to do before we’d actually cycle. I found myself procrastinating in getting the records and such. I finally realized that I hadn’t fully come to terms with the loss of my genetic connection to this theoretical child. I was, and still am, in the midst of grieving this aspect. My therapist says it will continue through to the child’s birth, but that the important part is that I get through some initial stages of it first. What I realized was that I was still in some denial about this being what we need to do.

I have recently lost about 20-25 pounds. For the first time during this infertility roller coaster, I have a healthy BMI. As I’ve mentioned before, the primary cause of my infertility and miscarriages is poor egg quality caused by PCOS. Hence the egg donor route. However, the weight loss, and the fact that I’m now running regularly, can help regulate my insulin, and possibly result in my ovaries being less PCOS-ey. (How’s that for a made-up word?) In summary, my improved weight could mean better fertility. Of course, we still have that pesky little slow sperm problem, so it’s still unlikely we’d get pregnant on our own.

Over the course of this journey, I’ve become a fairly religious person. So here’s what goes through my head: What if God meant for me to get healthy again before having kids? What if he delayed my dreams coming true because I was headed down the same path to diabetes and kidney failure that killed my Grandma at age 63? So just in case, how about giving my body a few cycles of trying out the old-fashioned way? Now that my eggs might be better? Maybe after all, God does intend us to use an egg donor, a donated embryo, or to adopt a born child. Maybe the child or children that we are destined to parent are a different genetic combination. But we can’t know that. I just need to give my body this opportunity, to accept the reality that we need an egg donor.

So, we’re taking our time getting the paperwork and initial testing done for the new clinic. Then we have to pick out a donor. By then, we’ll have gone through a few cycles of trying to get pregnant on our own again. What’s meant to be, will be!

If you have any questions, please ask! Nothing is off limits here. Just please be kind. J