Saturday, February 12, 2011

Oh, Dear, It's Been Awhile!

Somehow, two and a half months have passed without a post! I think I am struggling against a mental block, wanting to finish my description of everything I've been through in the last couple of years, but at the same time, not wanting to think about it too much.

Right now, I can say that I was depressed last year. Pretty much the whole year, with only a couple days where things seemed bright and the fog briefly parted. I think those closest to me could see the evidence of it: My lack of productivity, my more frequently messy house, my need for escapism.

The new year has brought with it a new attitude for me. I think it provided a mechanism by which I could divide the sadness and horrors of the last year from the bright future I hope for. I knew I had successfuly moved out of my depression when, on January 11, I suddenly realized that I had passed the anniversary of my physical loss of my first baby five days prior, and had completely missed it. These anniversaries are normally days of deep reflection and sadness for me. But here, I had passed right by it!

For me, that was a sign. I will never forget what it was like to be joyfully pregnant with those two babies, as brief as my time of joy was. The Wacky Wicketeer and I will memorialize them in our own way every year on their Greek Saints' name days. But, I am no longer in mourning. I am optimistic, and happy. I have Hope again.


  1. I can't imagine how painful your loss must have been and still is. I am glad you are feeling better. And I hope things continue looking up. Thanks for sharing such raw emotions. So brave.

  2. I am so happy to hear that you are where you are emotionally. It makes me smile to hear of your optimism and happiness. (((happy hugs))

  3. That's great - I'm so glad you're in a hopeful place now! Two days until one year after my first loss - clearly I'm not in the date-passing space yet :) Pretty new blog layout, by the way.