Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Bittersweet Memories


Image: Darren Robertson / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A little over a year ago, I became pregnant for the first time. That was after over two years of trying, and our second attempt at IUI (intra-uterine insemination). That pregnancy was one of the happiest times in my life. Life was full of promise, and in naivete I found bliss.

It's funny how our senses absorb simple, virtually unrelated information - sounds, smells, tastes - and imbue them with emotion to be perpetually associated together. When I was pregnant that first time, I was using this anise-flavored toothpaste. I'm not particularly fond of anise. In fact, I much prefer peppermint. But it was supposed to be better for me, so there I was with my anise toothpaste. After I lost the baby, I switched back to peppermint.

For some reason, the other night I found myself using anise toothpaste again. As soon as I tasted it, I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. It warmed me and filled me. I quickly realized why - the taste was transporting me back to that naive and joyous time - and the tears flowed.

It is another, bittersweet reminder that, as this holiday season approaches that I thought would be my first with a baby in my arms, instead of my Athanasios or Barbara, I have anise toothpaste.

9 comments:

  1. Ohhh...it's shocking how those little things can just hit you and knock you down. My one loss was almost three years ago now--certain I was pregnant on Christmas, learned my numbers were too low the next day, miscarried on Jan 5. Much as I love the holiday season, I will always think of the year I was pregnant while I went holiday shopping and while I flew home for Christmas--and on my way to not by the time I flew back home. I'm sorry for your loss :(

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  2. It's odd how small things can bring you back to a specific moment in time. Smells in particular are so incredibly evocative.

    *hugs* Sending you good thoughts.

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  3. Oh, now I have tears in my eyes. Beautifully written. ((hugs))

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  4. Thanks for the support, you guys! *hugs*

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  5. I am so sorry about this journey you are walking. Thank you for letting me in on the moments.

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  6. So heartbreaking... The holidays can be so difficult, but I wish you some peace and resolve.

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  7. sorry this time of year brings these thoughts. hugs

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  8. I'm a brand new follower and this post was so powerful, I'm already crying. How's that for an introduction??? I'm happy you are finding peace. Thank you for sharing.

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