Over the course of this TTC, infertility, and miscarriage roller coaster, I have had many dreams regarding being pregnant, miscarriages, etc. But last night I had the most vivid dream actually about my baby. I have tried to decide whether it was about one of the two babies I have lost, or about a baby I will have or hope to have in the future, and I've decided that it doesn't matter.
It was a little girl. We had just arrived home from the hospital, and although I knew she was supposed to be strapped into her car seat in the back, in the way that dreams work, I was suddenly holding her in the front seat. I held her in my arms and kissed her on her fuzzy head and her cool, pink cheeks, and she smelled so good it made me cry. When I kissed her cheeks, I could feel her tiny eyelashes on my nose.
Then I realized that I had yet to feed her, and started freaking out a little because I knew she should have been fed much earlier! On top of it, I had never had the nurse instruct me on how to breastfeed! But I was so worried about the fact that she hadn't fed yet, I decided I had to do it right there in the front seat of the car, parked in my garage. And I did. And it worked perfectly. No instruction needed. And she was so beautiful, with her little suckling noises, and her soft little head. I cried again.
I started to wake up, and for the first time in years, I didn't want to. I wanted to stay in that dream more than anything. But I couldn't. I woke up.
Experiences and issues in infertility, loss, and family building.
You just made me realize that I never have dreams about being pregnant or having kids. Not sure how I feel about that... does it make infertility harder, or does it soothe and give hope?
ReplyDeleteAww. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm with Slackie on this one. That was a beautiful dream. And now I want one. But maybe it wouldn't be good for me.
ReplyDeleteWell, this particular dream is a treasure that I'm so glad I have, though it has made me cry repeatedly thinking about it. I wouldn't give up this dream for anything. But I have had some pregnancy and miscarriage dreams that have totally freaked me out, and those I could do without.
ReplyDeleteI haven't experienced pregnancy or miscarriage, but I have had a similar dream experience. After my 4-month-old niece died, I dreamed about her a few times. At first it was painful, but the last dream I had about her brought me so much comfort, it really helped in the mourning process.
ReplyDeleteI have had a insanely similar dream involving having my baby and realizing that i hadn't been feeding her! Needing to breast feed and having no idea how! There must be some sub-concious brainwaves at work here!
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